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| Summary of Question: | Married And Too Different |
| Category: | Love & Marriage |
| Date Posted: | Friday, 11/10/2000 9:46 AM MST |
I WOULDN'T SAY I WAS PRESSURISED INTO THE MARRIAGE, BUT I WASN'T ABLE TO SAY NO AND THE WHOLE SITUATION SEEMED TO PROGRESS BY ITSELF...OUT OF MY CONTROL.
I REMEMBER THE DAY BEFORE MY WEDDING DAY GOING TO SLEEP AND WISHING I'D NEVER WAKE UP.
AFTER GETTING MARRIED I REALISED HOW WONDERFULL MY HUSBAND WAS....I FELT I WAS LIVING IN A DREAM.
I COULDN'T WISH FOR NICER IN-LAWS AND I FELT EVERYTHING WAS GOING FOR ME.
BUT EVERY FEAR I HAD ABOUT GETTING MARRIED IS FACING ME NOW.
SINCE COMING BACK TO ENGLAND MY DREAM HAS TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE...I TRY TO HELP MY HUSBAND IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE - BUT HE CANNOT ADJUST TO THE LIFESTYLE HERE....HE IS HAVING DIFFICULTY FINDING WORK AND BLAMES ALL SITUATIONS ON ME. WE ARGUE NEARLY EVERY DAY...WHICH HAS PROGRESSED NOW TO PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.
I WOULD SAY I'VE LED QUITE A WESTERNISED WAY OF LIFE...BUT I HAVE ALWAYS KEPT INTOUCH WITH OUR CULTURAL VALUES AND WOULD GO TO GURDWARA EVERY WEEK, I USED TO LEARN KIRTAN AND CAN EVEN READ NITNEM AND REHARAS.
I NOW WEAR A PUNJABI SUIT ALL THE TIME...EVEN TO WORK...I DON'T REALY MIND THIS TOO MUCH BUT THERE IS SO MUCH MORE THAT HAS CHANGED...I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT SORT OF LIFE I'M LEADING ANYMORE. I FEEL SO DEPRESSED AND ALONE, I DON'T FEEL THERE IS ANYONE WHO CAN HELP ME, I AM CRYING EVERYDAY.
I HUSBAND TELLS ME HE CAN NEVER TRUST ME AND IF HE KNEW HOW WE LIVED HERE HE WOULD NEVER HAVE MARRIED ME. HE HAS A COMPLETELY NEGATIVE FRAME OF MIND AND WILL PICK ON THE SMALLEST PROBLEM AND TURN IT INTO A REALLY BIG ISSUE.
NOW HE IS ADIMANT THAT HE DOESN?T WANT TO LIVE HERE AND WANTS TO MOVE BACK TO INDIA AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AND IS ALWAYS THREATENING ME AS TO HOW HE?S GOING TO MAKE ME EXPERIENCE THE DISTRESS HE HAS EXPERIENCED HERE.
I KNEW THERE WOULD BE DIFFERENCES BUT I JUST EXPECTED THAT WE?D BE ABLE TO WORK IT OUT?SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE GET MARRIED?BUT AT THE SAME TIME I HEAR STORIES OF HOW SO MANY MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE.
MY LIFE FEELS SO OUT OF CONTROL I DON?T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I'M SURE THERE IS MANY MORE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THIS SAME SITUATION AND REALLY DO WANT TO MAKE THEIR MARRIAGE WORK...BUT JUST GET MISJUDGED FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO KEEP THEIR MARRIAGE TOGETHER.
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Sorry there is so much turmoil in your life. But even this, can change and be turned around. You are not to blame. Yes, it is very challenging to face this Western life. For a man to have employment difficulty is especially demoralizing. He wants and needs to be supportive both to you and to his self esteem. I also would like to point out, that we always seem to attack those that are closest and dearest to ourselves. It is a reaction to the helplessness that he feels in the face of his overwhelming surroundings. You are working and it sounds like he is not working. This in itself is too topsy turvy from a Punjabi cultural perspective. You should be home not him. Right?
Also, it is good to be sensitive about your friends and your previous relationships. What is common place here is not always the most graceful.
First, you need to get grounded and solid within your spiritual base and center. Every life experience is a gift from God. So, take this chance to make good on this gift. Just see what expansion you can reach. And when he feels your reliance on God and Guru, he will feel a subtle internal support that he is missing being in this strange new VERY MATERIAL world.
Keep in mind, that you are the soul of this relationship. You are the grace and the connection to the spirit. You are actually 16x greater than he, so take this opportunity to develop the very deep and radiant and divinely guided "you". Whatever spiritual support you seek and adopt will give him support and comfort....even if he does not join you, even if he does not know what you are doing>
I would reccommend that you get up 1 hour earlier each morning and do the following: Shower, dress and find the quiet space to recite full Jap Ji Sahib out loud. Then, practice breathing slowly and deeply through the nose. Do the One minute breath for 31 minutes. Inhale through the nose 20 seconds, hold 20 seconds, exhale through the nose 20 seconds. Work up to 20-20-20-gradually in each sitting. Also, you can repeat Sat Nam or Wahe Guru to count the 20 seconds rather than 1-2-3-4-etc. When you are finished, sit still and really feel the yourself. Feel the loving support of Mata Sahib KAur all around you, hugging you. Feel the protection and guidence of Guru Ram Das ji inside of you and witin you. Do this mental exercise.
Then, prepare his food loveingly while reciting....Ek Ong Kar, Sat Naam Karta Purakh, Nirbhou, Nirvair, Akal Murath, Ajooni, Saibhag Gurprasaad, Jaap...Aad sach, Jugaad Sach Haibhee sach Nanak hosee bhee sach. This will establish your base and support and give him the same. Muhl Mantra is the foundation of the entire Siri Guru GRanth Sahib...the first composition. Understand it and use it every day 31 minutes....90 days at least. You can recite it while walking etc. Do it!
As far as his work situation, you should seek the aid of your family. They brought you together and they can help. You are not alone.
Remember, you can handle this situation. Do your very best, and give God and Guru all the rest that you cannot handle.
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Married And Too Different (11/10/2000)