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Summary of Question:	Am I going mental?
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Monday, 10/23/2000 5:41 AM MDT

Satsriakhal

I am a young sikh gentleman - 23 years of age. When I was born my mother was truly grateful that she was given a son, and her prayers answered.
I had long hair till I was about 6/7 years old. My cousin who was about 14years old cut his long hair. (he was my dad's sister's son) my dad's sister and her husband had alot of influence on my family. At that time my uncle started to drop hints that I should have my hair cut aswell since his son had his hair cut. I did not Know right from wrong at that young age. After some weeks I stupidly agreed and my father took me to the hairdressers, once it was my turn I sat in the chair and iwanted to run out of the shop, but I can remember not being able to move my legs I was completley FROZEN. I wanted to cry but I could not speak, the hairdresser undid my 'Guta' and was surprised how thick my waist length hair was he then cut it.
When I came home that day I remember going to my bedroom and crying. I could not change what had happened, but I wanted my hair back. To this day I regret cutting my hair and I hate my unlce who poisoned my innocent mind.

From that day I honestly cannot remember being happy. Since then everytime I have been to the hairdressers I have felt guilty. Ihave always been quite religious I love going to the gurudwara. My father and his entire family all eat meat and drink alcohol. I however don't drink alcohol - the slightest smell of it makes me vommit. As a child when I would eat meat I would feel extremely guilty and I wouldpray to god to help me stop eating meat. Whenever I would not want meat my dad would order me to eat it saying " it is good for you - it will help you grow." My dad was so stern and I would be scared of him I told my mother this - ( she has been a vegetarian for a long time) she advised me to pray for strength.
That strength finally came and both me and my sister are stict vegeterians since the past 5 years - ( much dissaproval to my fathers side of the family).

The above was a brief summary of my childhood just so that you can get an idea of myself. In the past 5 years I have spent about 3 years being treated for depression and stress related illnesses.
Whenever I see my dad's brother in law I get infused with anger and rage.
Whilst growing up I wanted to grow my hair back but I did not have the courage to, until 3 years ago after a devastating family trauma ( which I shall not go into because it hurts too much to talk about) my depression became quite severe even with medication it would not go away and my hair began to fall out. It started to look abit scruffy and I was due to go for my monthly 'cut and blowdry' at the hairdressers on arriving at the salon I could not walk into the shop it felt as if the doorstep had fire on it and Ifelt so guilty about the thought of cutting my hair I went back home, and decided to come back another day. This happened for about 3/4 times until I decided thats enough no more!! I started to growmy hair and stopped shaving because it would hurt too much and I would bleed badly when I shaved and would be guilt ridden.(but I trim my beard)

My hair now is quite long, but a bit fine where my hair did not grow back.

My depression has not returned. However now in my dreams I can hear voices and most of my dreams have a religious theme to them. My mum says that I amtruly blessed and should treasure the memory of my dreams.
I try and do daily 'naam simram' and have been taught a few chants and 'mantras' from my 'guru' a religious being.
But the reason for me asking Am I going mental is because I cannot walk by any picture of Guru Nanak Dev Ji or Guru Gobind Singh Ji without bowing my head, it's like an obsessive compulsion I have to take my shoes off and do "matha thek" If I don't I feel like something very bad might happen, Iget this feeling even when I am studying or watching television, I find my self chanting continously "dhan guru nanak dev ji maharaj-ji" or "waheguruji", It takes me ages to stop chanting.

Sometimes I think that I am getting what I prayed for - a gursikhi jeevan, other times I feel there is something wrong with me.

Can you shed any light?
Thankyou - I await your reply.

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Reply
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Dear One. The longing of your soul for recognition is so strong. There is nothing wrong with you!

There is such a fine line between the earthly and spiritual realm. In our Western Society we are so immersed in the material physical world that the spirit realm seems quite foreign. Here we spend our focus on feeding our mind and body. But feeding the soul is just not even considered.

Yet people in the West are so unhappy and unfulfilled. They long for true happiness and true peace and do not know where to find it.

Your soul is speaking to you and asking for food...spiritual food...Naam Simran, meditation, prayer, Path, singing Shabds, reading from Siri Guru Granth Sahib etc. Your blessing is that your previous lives have granted you the gift of this spirituality. Many long for this gift and still so few have it

Your difficult experience growing up was something that you needed to go through. We all come to this life with unfinished business. So, although we cannot explain why you as an innocent child had to go through such pain and difficulty, accept it as a gift from God.

The prayer of your mother for a soldier/saint must have been so strong to have brought such a pure soul such as yours to her.

It is wonderful that your depression has gone. Now. you would really benefit from applying yourself to meditation. When you deeply meditate you will find a great deal of confidence and clarity coming to you. You will open up your intuition and have a great deal of guidence coming from within yourself.

For the next 40 days...go to sikhnet.com/s/gurugranthsahib...and under "English Translation" you will find a wonderful translation for Jap Jai Sahib (print this out so you can read it). Every morning in Amrit Vela, get up, take a brisk cold shower and massage yourself, after oiling your body. Then dress, tie up your hair cover your head and sit in some very quiet and sacred spot where you can sit undisturbed. Read your English Jap Ji Sahib. Read it also in Gurmukhi. Apply yourself with full mind and body and recite out loud witgh your tongue and involve all your being to listen to your voice and words. You can sleep after. ut give yourslef this experience for 40 days non stop and see what how great you are.