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Summary of Question:	Am I Destined To Fail?????
Category:	Other
Date Posted:	Tuesday, 8/20/2002 5:38 PM MDT

Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa

Wahe Guru Ji Ka Fateh.


Hello,
I wanted to first say that this site has helped myself and I am sure many other people in tremendous ways. Thank you for you dedication, compassion, understanding, and most of all for your words of wisdom.
I have read many previous questions that relate to my current problem, but still feel the desire and need to ask for some more insight. I, like many others
that have expressed there problems on this site, am trying to fight a grueling and arduous battle against my past. My past haunts me everyday from the moment I
wake up, to the moment I put myself to sleep at night. I have had some very unusual life threatening circumstances occur in my past that have altered my life in more ways than I can ever express. Although I feel I may have come to terms with those events, I cannot seem to let go of the manner in which they have affected my current situation and the past few years also. I have always been a very ambitious person, an over-achiever to be more exact, partly due to my parents HIGH expectations and partly I assume to my own personality. Though in life when those things are taken from you that are dearest to you, it becomes
a battle to awake everyday and accept that you are no longer the same person you
were, or that you don't have the same opportunities you may have once had. I should clarify by stating that my parents like many others, have put such an immense amount of importance on education that they see me as a student, and sometimes I think nothing more. They see life, rather as steps, or phases, as now I am a student, then marriage will come, then kids...etc.etc.etc. Thus, when
life throws curve balls at you and you are taken off the path you are expected to be on, I cannot tell you how hard it becomes to face and move on.
I will say that I have had professional counseling twice, but one time I had a family death occur and devoted all my attention to that occurence, as I felt I
was living and breathing atleast, my problems became secondary to me. After that
it has been a struggle to excel at the levels I force myself to, to meet the expectations of my family/society, and to balance school life. Pre-med is not an
easy journey I tell you, your mind and heart need to be in it 100% to excel and compete in this ever so competitive world. Though, I find myself failing time after time, losing that drive, ambition, and focus I once had. I am so engulfed by the affects of my past, the current failures, and by my future fears that I never seem to succeed. And I KNOW THIS, I am completely aware of the problem, but have become so exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically that I can't seem to get myself out of this turmoil. As the days go by, I see myself getting worst and worst and the only thing that keeps me half sane is that my parents are clueless as to what hardships I have faced, many people are. As I don't know
to explain this to you, but I know they would never understand, I know them, and
they would only feel shame, and restrict me even more than now, although I feel I came across a few situations no human can ever be perpared for. So...I live a
life of lies in a sense because around them and my siblings at times, I pretend to be happy, I converse and engage in activities, PRETEND that it is all ok, when in fact I feel and know inside I am drowning...deeper and deeper everyday.
But in a sense, that keeps me from locking myself in a room and making myself live miserablly because I feel sometime that I deserve no better.
I know you may think I need to talk to someone I have, numerous people, I have TRULY been blessed with wonderful friends. Though, I have caused many people pain, lost a dear friend, and put people through misery....as my situation is not an everyday occurence. That is why....I pretend every minute of
my life that everything better...and keep a smile on my face around people becuase they have told me they love to see me smile, so I let them see what they
want, as to cause them less discomfort. Things have become so OLD....I just want
past and its affects to vanish, it has been two unfathomable years and I still find myself hating life, myself, feeiing guilty, suffering, hiding, pretending, and failing at things I once excelled so well at. I have allowed myself to endulge in my mysery and I can't seem to get away from it. Time and time again...I just think it will all go away...so I try to forget it...hoping it will go away...but NO..it comes back again and again to haunt me. Your feelings don't escape you unless you deal with them, I know, but I do nothing about them,
as I am sooo fed up with feeling so miserable, that I ironicaly don't do anything to help myself, especially when you've reached out and it doesn't work. I feel such disgust with myself for not properly dealing with my issues, that now that hatred impedes me from picking up the peices and moving on, for it
is never to late right? Though, I seem to have all this insight I NEVER do anything about it. I don't know why........it drives me crazy sometime. I have also had many health problems as a result, care less and less of myself everyday, don't eat right, hardly sleep, and can never enjoy simply waking in the morning to another day. My academics have been a huge part of how I have always defined myself.....I was always at the top of my class, although I realize that I am more than that, when the ability to succeed,attain your goals,
and simply STUDY with FOCUS, is taken from someone like me.....it can be unbearable, especially with the pressures of ones family and friends. I have always had this problem with pleasing others, I will go out my way to make a difference in someone else's life, but I never HELP myself, never will I give myself a break, never will I be any less hard on myself, and that continues till
this day. Sometimes I feel as if my role as a person is to HELP others, because I live to help, maybe that's why there is this passion inside me to become a doctor...and as many of my friends have told me I am one of the most real, wise,honest,compassionate, and understanding people they have ever met, but I don't know why I can't be the same way to myself. I can't even look in the mirror at myself anymore..and I do not blame GOD, I blame myself, and understand
that life is very unpredictable. These hard times are probably the ones we learn
most from, but I can't seem to get past it and become a stronger and more experienced individual.
After all this........and having noticed that my chances at medical school are not looking that great, as my previous 2 yrs have been the worst yrs of my life, I am afraid of the future. I am afraid my parents will think I am not as competent, I am scared of what my relatives will think, and worried about if I will ever regain the stength to try again. The hardest part sometime is that they all see a bubbly, ambitous, dedicated girl, when in fact the reality is soo
much more uglier...so it is would be natural for them to think she is dumb or maybe she is wasting her time in other activities, if I don't excel. I am not saying I want to be the BEST, because that means nothing to me, this is not about pride, exceling for me is giving my BEST and knowing that I have, but when
you can't control your emotions and thoughts it becomes difficult to excel.
I guess what I am asking for is some ADVICE. Though I will tell you after all
of this....not too long ago...it dawned on me that I am missing WAHE GURU in my life. I feel so alone...I cannot express it, yet I know that baba ji is with me,
but I NEED to find that strength within me, or I know will never suceed in life.
I just have a hard time doing that.....my thoughts are flustered and I know I am
mentally unstable. I fear life so much now...now I feel like I was born to suffer and that is all becuase time after time I fail, at school, at life, in all my capabilties. I have lost the abililty to even do small things life pay my
bills or turn in things on time. And that in turn, KILLS me...it makes me feel weak, worthless, and irresponsible, as I know what type of person I used to be. Maybe I will find GOD again, I hope I do, otherwise I can't imagine waking to see the sunrise day after day. It has become a pattern in my life to fail now and that keeps me from suceeding because every time I find myself standing back on my feet, I get knocked down again, that can be soooo debilitating and is a huge BLOW at my self confidence........what do I do? Is finding GOD and being one with my spirit the answer....or am I destined to suffer??? And will I ever love myself as I do so dearly love others, my friends, family, ordinary citizens??? I am TIRED of life as it is and the many expectations I have to meet. I don't think I've ever had a break....and I don't think I will...otherwise people think you are weak...and my parents have always instilled such strenght and will power in me, thus I have never indulged in any
of the activites many college students fall prey too...yet this is one area in my life my strength seems to have failed me, I can't fight this...it seems to be
a battle far too great to fight.

Thank You,
Sorry for the lengthy response...but I needed to get this out of my system.
I hope you will have some answers for me....I will be dearly awaiting your response.

-A confused and hurting sikhni

(REPLY) Sat Nam. You have poured your heart out in your words, and I believe that you can, and will (!) break this cycle of misery! You can do it, and you have actually mentioned the solution, and that is to make God and Guru the focus, the center of your life. First of all, whatever happened in the past cannot be changed, it is over and done. You can choose to hold on to it, or let it go. If you live in the past, you destroy your future. Whatever happened and left scars (and we all have had things in the past that left scars) - these need to be healed, and the best way to heal is to go to the Guru,to recite the words of Siri Guru Granth Sahib. To recite the banis every day. To meditate and chant every day I know your schedule in med school is very tight, but you hve to get cleared in your subconscious of all the things that are keeping you from enjoying your life, and fulfilling your destiny. There is a shabd in the Siri Guru Granth Sahib: DHAN DHAN RAM DAS GUR, JIN SIRIA TINEH SAVAARIA... Find all the words to it, and recite it (preferably singing!) 11 times every day for 40 days, no matter what, and see how you feel! It is the shabd to chant when you want a miracle, and Guru Ram Das is the lord of Miracles, and if you pray and call for help, I know it shall come! Are you ready to give up your suffering? Just remember, no matter what, God loves you and breathes in you - and each inhalation is proof of this, for it comes direct from God, so you do have a right to be healthy, and happy and holy. Let go of the the past, let go of the misery, and if you still want to be a doctor, go for it. And if you want to do something else, that's OK too -- be true to yourself, your HIGHEST SELF ! May God bless you and Guru guide you from darkeness into the light of Truth. Sp



WGJKF