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Summary of Question:	Sikh man and Christian woman.
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Thursday, 6/01/2000 11:20 AM MDT

Hi

I've been searching and reading about interracial marriages and love. I'm kind of confused...

I'm a Scandinavian woman with Christian background. I'm not very religious, and I'm not even sure if I should call myselves a Christian. I live my life and bring up my children the way I feel is rigth in my heart. Goodness, helpfulnes, understandindg, non-racial, openminded, kindness, respect for other people and love is the main issues in my life.

Not very long ago I met a man. We fell in love from day one and belive that we were suposed to be together. Everything seems perfect, and we have talked about marriage. It's not until now I've been worried about our different backround. He wants to introduce me to his family. I can see we may have to deal with the fact that he is a sikh and I'm - not only a christian, but a blonde scandinavian with a free spirit... He have told me that his mom may feel hurt, even though she's told him that it's ok whom ever he choose to marry. I've told my family and friends about my sikh boyfriend, and they are just happy that I've found the love of my life. No one have said hurtful things, or been jugdementful.

Now, here is my questions:

1. I have 2 children. I love them very much, and they are my pride and joy. Is this going to be a problem in the sikh comunety?

2. What should I consider being a problem in terms of meeting his family?
Our familylifes are very different. I'm an independent woman and do not respond well to people telling me what to do (...this is of course both a good thing and a bad thing) I have raised my children and built my life without any interference from my parents or family. I do not hide much from my parents...but then again I don't feel I need their aproval for doing anything. I actually like my independent life...
My boyfriend lives with his parents. I belive his parents are a big influence in his life. Even though I like the way he is, and it proabebly is a result of how he was brougth up, I can see that this may be one of our obsticals...
How do I deal with this? I am actually afraid to meet his parents. Is there something I should know before meeting them?

I actually feel it's strange to ask for advice, since he is 36 and I'm 31...
But if this is helpful for me in anyway, I'm greatful.

hvvm

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Reply:
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My dear sister,

Your situation is fairly simple. Please consider the following factors:

1. In Sikh society there is great respect and closeness with one's family and especially great respect for one's elders, parents included.

2. Secondly, marriage normally is arranged by the family; by the parents or a brother or elder sister.

3. When a Sikh woman marries a Sikh man she will leave her famly and go to live with the family of her husband. So, traditionally, she not only gains a husband, but she becomes part of his family as well.

4. Even though this man is 37 years old, the family would still be arranging a marriage for their son if he were to give them his consent. Love has never been an important factor. The practical concerns of marriage, like respect, adaptability, servicefulness to the family, coming from a respectable family with similar standards, upward mobility and keeping the Sikh traditions and practices are some things the family considers when looking for a partner for their children.

5.You have expressed a deep love for this Sikh man that you wish to marry. My question to you is; does this love go beyond your emotional attachment? Do you see yourself being devoted to his spiritual lifestyle, and probably more important, do you see yourself devoting yourself to his family?

They may very well accept you and love you, but only because you humble yourself to love and respect them as a daughter of the family. It is not the indipendent model of the West that you have described. You may find their need for closeness stiffling in your need for indipendence. He is close to his family and they will want to be close to you. The whole culture is based on closeness and interdependency not indipendence as we are in the West.

You should meet them and begin finding out if you like how you fit in to the family. Take it slow and be patient and really try to extend yourself to learn about this family and the Sikh pratices if you are really serious about marriage with this man. Also, go to a Gurdwara, and learn about the Siri Guru Granth Sahib. It is a great path of God and it may be a wonderful situation for you and your children.