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Summary of Question:	Family Pressure For Arranged Marriage
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Saturday, 12/04/2004 10:34 PM MST

Hi, you have helped me through your site so much, I now need advice to help someone desperately.

A sikh friend has dated a white girl for 11 years but has not been able to get his parents approval and ended the relationship because they won't entertain the shame that it will bring. His Mum on realising this has arranged a marriage for him which in the heat of an argument he agreed to. The only problem is now he has changed his mind because he doesn't want to live a lie and feels that he has been "sold out" by his Mum because it's what she wants and can't take the shame of the white girl entering her family. My friend is at the end of his tether... He has no reasoning and is having to deal with alot of emotional blackmail from his Mum- she says she will commit suicide if he doesn't do what she wants.He keeps saying that he will be in serious trouble when his Dad tells the girl's family and that her brother will come after him, and also that he must run away.. As a non-sikh I only understand the honour and respect of the Sikh culture and wondered if there are anyone who have been in a similar situation or advice to what will be going on at home to help him. It is awful to see such a kind, genuine and hard working person be so distraught at everything that is going on around him. Any help would be appreciated to stop the destruction which is happening. Many thanks and continue the help which you offer on this site.

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Sat nam. There is little you can do for this situation, and this Forum is full of such stories. A white person is considered caste-less or low-caste by many Indians, including Sikhs. While Sikhs are not supposed to observe caste, MANY do. Additionally, since she is not a born Sikh, that is a strike against her. Although Siri Guru defines a Sikh by how s/he acts, not his/her birth, this is an Indian tradition that is hard to break. Also, if they think she has slept with their son, that is another strike against her. (I'm not passing judgement here!). Finally, a son's relationship to the family in Indian culture is considered non-negotiable. If he is the oldest or only son, he is expected to live at home with his folks and look after his Mother (this presumes his father passes away first). Frankly, the white woman would likely be miserable in this situation, since she does not now have the parents' respect. The son is expected to side with the parents rather than his wife on any issue of dispute.

The only thing your friend can do is leave his family to marry her. He knows all this, and it is a horrible choice. There will be no convincing the parents if they haven't been convinced yet. I must add that this entire situation reflects Indian cultural values that are deeper than Sikhi. There are Sikhs of every race in just about every country. While it is ideal for a SIkh to marry another Sikh, there is nothing in Sikhi that requires both spouses to be the same RACE/ETHNICITY. If she were willing and interested in converting this wouldn't be an issue. So keep him in your prayers. Guru ang sang,
-DKK