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Summary of Question:	Daughter Wants To Marry A Hindu
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Sunday, 2/17/2008 3:47 PM MST

My husband and I are avery proud sikh family with 1 son and 1 daughter. Mr X is a hindu guy with whom my daughter is in love with . My daughter is doing her medicine degree. This guy is an illegal, non educated person who is 23 and cannot even drive a car. He needs a legal status and my daughter can get him thatby marriage. He is dependent on his Mom and Sister and works @ a hotel in anticipation that the owner will get him a green card. He is not educated, and his mom has a lose character, Father is very slow mentally...nobody has a status..they are illegal..

My daughter is deeply in love and is transparent to all we say and do.
How can I keep my sikhi barkarar...mere sikhi khatre wich hai...Saad Sangat main ki kara....mera parivar tutda peya hai...kaise bachavaan....

Sat Nam. It is not common for us to have a parent write to us. As a parent myself of grown children, I will do my best to answer your question.

The bottom line is that we cannot live our children's lives for them. If you react emotionally and commotionally to your daughter, she will not listen to you at all. I would become as neutral as possibe first...then approach my daughter in a friendly mother daughter discussion. I would invite her for lunch or something friendly and then discuss with her what she has in mind. But, you have to be very neutral and not sarcastic or emotional or she won't listen to you. She is an intelligent adult woman. Trust that she can make an intelligent decision if she has time to really think it over. I would starat the conversation with something like - "I am trying very hard to understand what you are going through and to accept your decision. Please be patient with me and answer these questions for me, which maybe will also help you in your final decision. Love is blind. When the initial attraction fades, we are left with the cold reality of life with this person. Marriage is much more than attraction... so it is good if we can step back and ask our selves a few questions now before we make that final decision and commitment. I would ask her questions like:
- Why do you love him?
- Why does he love you?
- What are your individual goals for your life? in 5, 10, 30 years?
- What are your boyfriend's goals in life? and do they match yours? Be truthful and realistic with one another.
-Does he want to go to school or job training? What career does he want for himself?
- If soemthing were to happen to you, so you could not work, how would he support you and your family? Can you be happy with the lifestyle his income could give you?
- Do you want children? Do you want to work while the children are young? Will he be able to suppport you and the children in a fashion that you can be comfortable and happy with?
- How important is your religion to you? Do you want to practice your religion in your home? What religion will you give your children? Does it matter to you? How does he feel about his relgion? How important is it to him? Can you respect each other's religions. Will he support you in your practice? Can you support him in his?
- Where do you want to live? City, subburb, country? Near or away from family?
These are just a few questions. It is important to ask your self and each other as many questions as possible. Be smart about this decision. Over 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce and many that stay together are unhappy,because they didn't approach their decision realistically. We get caught up in the "romance" and disregard the reality of our decision. Many Guru bless you with a wise decision.
If your daughter would life to email me personally I am available at gtkhalsa_2000@yahoo.com. I have 4 grown children, 2 of which are physicians, 1 is a paramedic and one is an artist. I have 2 grandchildren. I travel world wide teaching and counseling. Many Blessings, Jivan Joti Kaur