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Summary of Question:	Re:Greedy Husband
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Monday, 1/27/2003 9:42 AM MST

Sat sri akaal jee,

I don't have a question currently, but just wanted to write my views on the particular situation the girl under "Re:Greedy husband" question had.
I myself have been married to indian origin guy for last four years. And my sister has been in the same situation like yours and mine. There is difference between my sis's situation and my situation. The difference is how you handle these situations. My sister has a 4 yr. old girl and I have 2 yr. old boy. The benefit I have is that my in-laws are basically nice, loving and caring people. But my sis's in-laws are greedy, wanting more and more kind of people, criticizing my sis all the time and having different values in life than my family does.
But anyways, without going into details too much. I think you can still correct the situation without going to some extreme depending upon if you think the guy has possibility to listen and correct the situation and want to continue to have relationship with you and thinks for the future of the child.
I know that your parents are great help to you and you want them to be present there for you. But when you are getting help from your parents for your child, they are not only serving you and your child they are also serving your husband. Because you are one family, anything they do to help you or your child or your husband, is favor to you all. And you should all be thankful to your parents and you should all including your husband realize this.
And the best thing I would suggest to do if your husband doesn't appreciate ur parent's help, is to stop getting the help from them. I know it would cost you. But its better that way, as your husband needs to realize that it costs to take care of the baby. You should put him through the difficult situation to take care of the baby and still earn money and be able to pay the bills.
And please don't fight on who pays the bills. I know, it gets that way, once lot of differences arise.
I myself have paid bills for my husband's school, our honeymoon, for bringing him here. And I have paid myself (before he was able to earn money in USA) for his relatives. But I do set limits without fighting. I tell him and make him realize that we do have to pay for our own expenses and can only do so much.
Thankfully, he understands. Even though, my parents live at 10 mile distance from us, I don't ask my parents to take care of my son. (we both work full time), instead my in-laws take care of my son. Currently, my in-laws are on westcoast (I am on east coast), so my son is with them. I have choice to keep my son here with me and ask my parents to take care of him. I don't want to spoon feed my husband by my parents or by me or even spooon feed any of our needs by my parents. That way, their relationship with each other stays respectful.
I am born and raised in india and came here when I was 21 yrs old and have been here for last 10 years. I have seen and experienced both indian men and american-indian men's mentality. From time to time, I have to tell my husband (even though he is nice person) that I work full time time too, and put actually more hours at work than he does. SO its also his duty as much as its mine to take care of our son and other things at home. I have to keep on reminding him that its not india where husband works full time job and wife stays home and does everything at home. Over here its duty of both partners to take care of things at home. The other thing we get into time to time, when he says me that tell me if something manly needs to be done e.g. some heavy work and don' t tell me to do little things. But, here all we have is little things no heavy work where his muscles needs to be used. Even little things need effort and time to do. So just have to split those.
Even though, I say my husband is pretty nice person still I have been trying for last 4 years to convince him that when he does something in the kitchen, he is not helping me out, he is sharing the work and its his responsibilty too. I do tell him that if I work full time and earn more money than him, I am also helping him if he thinks doing some work in kitchen is help. He admits, but after 4 years, it has still not gone through his brain. These kind of situations keep arising time to time and at times, I deny to keep up with it and tell him that I am going to quit my job. Why I should do full time job and help him to support us financially, when he thinks its not his job to work in the kitchen to do daily chores.
According to me, marriage is a relationship which needs effort from both sides. and this effort needs to be continued as long as we live. If only one person does all the effort, that person burns out soon and thats when things fall apart.
Anyways, I can say lot more than this, but hopefully, I was able to sort some things out by writing this much only.

If it was me, I would try to sit down with your husband. Even though, you think your parents would help, He may be thinking that your parents are teaching you not so good things. Sometimes, its important that you try to sort out your differences by urself. If things get to the point, where they are out of control, then you probably have to have middle man present.
But you both are adults and having a child already, should be responsible people.
I am not expert but have the similar kind of situations in my own family. So I feel like I can relate to your situation somewhat. Please feel free to take my e-mail address from the moderators of this discussion forum and e-mail me directly, if you think I can help.

(REPLY) Sat Nam. Thanks for sharing your experience and opinion. We're posting it because you were kind enough to offer help. Blessings!