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Summary of Question:	Commitment
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Friday, 11/25/2005 9:55 AM MST

Hi there, I noticed that some of the people had commented that you had responded to questions very fast, i have asked questions in the past, and the response has been great.

I had emailed the team at sikhnet, a question about commitment in relationships a few weeks ago. I had throughly searched the site about a common topic, and noticed taht no one had commented on this. So i thought it would be a good question to ask, and I thought it would be good to get advise to help my friend (male), who is presently expiriencing and has consistently expierienced a great deal of fear in relationships.


I have recaptured what I think I had written in my initial emai - hope you get to it.. thank you:

I have noticed a very difficult but common pattern in a friend of mine (male), when he is in relationships - and its a common fear that a lot of people of our generation have -- fear of commitment. I believe he has seen and has friends that have trouble on their marriages, or are divorced... he is approaching his mid thirties and i have watched him in and out a couple of relationships.. and it concerns me that there is a very distinct pattern in how he handles the relationships... everytime things are going well, he starts to be scared, rarely shares his feelings with anyone and then gets into a rut by ending the relationship, and then returning to it. Doing this once in a relationships is ok i guess but this has been a pattern consistently in all his relationships. It concerns me becuase clearly there is an issue here, and he is very reluctant to admit what it is or perhaps even face up to it for himself. But i see him hurting himself and others in the relationship, and it just seems pointless...

I would like to help him if i can, I have attempted to talk about, but as any one who has a fear or a potential problem would hate to speak about it. And he just buckles and gets upset. I would like a way to approach him with it, or perhaps to help him discover what is causing him to be this way in a relationship. Is there a path I can do for him, or anything i can do for him to get him out of this terrible pattern thats keeping him from moving on with his life..
Please advise..
thanks - you are all doing an amazing job.

---reply

First of all, if anyone ever feels like their question received a rushed answer or wasn't answered completely, just ask it again in a little different way or ask for some expansion. We moderators are human and are doing the best we can.

Now about your friend. He probably needs some professional help. A good counselor could help him face this challenge in his life. Everyone has really good reasons why they do the things they do. He needs to see his pattern and why he has it and then go about healing it. But, the problem lies in one's willingness, which you can't force onto someone. I would try this communication. "(person's name)I am very concerned about your happiness. When I see you get into relationships and then get out of them, I am worried that you will never feel happy and fulfilled in your life. How do you feel about this?" He may deny it and tell you to mind your own business. If so, there isn't much you can do. I would then end it with..."I am here for you if you ever need any help or someone to talk to. After you think about it more, maybe you would consider going to a coach (don't use the word counseling) to help you with this challenge (don't use the word problem) in your life. We all need coaching for time to time. There is nothing wrong with that. I would be happy to help you find someone, if you like. Please know that I am coming from a place of love and concern for you. Nothing more or less." Then it is up to the person to think about what you have said. That's all you can do. Pray for them and you can recite "Ad Such Jugod Such Habai Such Nanak Hosibai Such." That mantra helps to create movement in situations that are stuck. It might be good to recite this for a while before you approach him. It might create a window of opportunity in his consciousness, so he'll be open to listen to you. Blessings. GTKK