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Summary of Question:	In Search Of My True Self
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Thursday, 9/28/2000 9:14 PM MDT

Waheguru ji ka khalsa, waheguru ji ki fateh ji!

First of all, i would like to congratulate all the participants who have contributed to this forum in any way because i find it as a great resource to find answers to the questions i have no one else to ask from. I am an amritdhari 19 years old female. i have had many problems in my life ( i guess just as anyone else but mine might be a little different). I am a religious and good fearing person and i believe i have been like that from my childhood. but during this journey on the rocky roads of life i have changed a lot, in some good and some bad ways. When ever i think about "what i am, what i was, what i have become, what i should be?", i try to think of ways i want to change myself. And one of these things, that i want to find in myself, is being a nice person. In my opinion i am not a very nice person. i have done so many things which are very bad. i don't have the guts to share them with anyone. When someone respects me because i am an amritdhari, i feel guilt and feel that i do not deserve that respect.



also, i try to be nicer to the people i meet outside my family, but when i think about it i feel bad about my self and i feel as if i am betraying others as well as myself because i am not being my true self and because i am trying to be nicer than as much i really am. i don't know, it might sound silly to you. but i think this is because i am not as much nice towards my family members. even though i am an amritdhari, i have no control over my krodh, it is just out of control. honestly speaking, i get so frustrated that i have no time to think about controlling it, till i am done with acting under the influence of krodh. i have always been wanting to wake up early at amrit wela to do my prayers, but no matter what i do, i can't wake up at that time. I put 2 alarm clocks near my pillow, ask one of my family member to wake me up and promise my self before going to bed that this morning i will wake up early, but believe it or not, i don't wake up. (some of you might even find it funny, but this is true) As i am



a student and have a very heavy workload, i am not even able to complete my nitnem. i have friends who are not amritdhari but are strict nitnemis, i feel ashamed infront of them. and there is a huge list of other things that i would like to change about myself and things that i would like to share with you and ask questions about. I always feel guilty and i think i have become emotionally very weak. But Khalsa is very strong. thus, in all the ways, i think i am not the appropriate person to be called as an amritdhari or khalsa. Can some one help me find myself, i am so lost!
Waheguru ji ka khalsa, waheguru ji ki fateh ji.
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Reply
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Being a Khalsa is very special. And you are right. It is not easier to live a life of commitment. You are faced with many more challenges when you increase your values and want to increase your calibre.

My first impression of your situation is that you are very hard on yourself. If you think that you are being angry and unkind to others, it appears that you are being equally angry and impatient with yourself. Please relax and look at your Amrit as a bond with Guru to serve you and help you. When you are tense and unhappy it is easy to blow up at your loved one's and blame yourself and be self critical.

When you took the "Amrit" you stepped into the court of God through the marriage with your Siri Guru Granth Sahib. Challanges will be there. You requested a life of purification and refinement. So now all the challanges of your inconsistances and instant Karma will come to face you. This is OK.
If the almighty God is perfect and unlimited, then what S/He created is perfect. In fact, even with your "corruption" you are perfect.

So, lighten up on yourself. If you need to relax in the bathtub and soak in the warm water one morning....enjoy it. Read your Bani's in the tub. Why not? you will still get the power of the Bani.

Another thing, you are building yourself into your ideal of yourself as an Amritdhari Woman. So be patient with yourself too. God is very patient with us. This is why the Guru gave the Rehit. It is a daily practice through which you can prefect yourself. But it does take some time to master such a hard and complete Maryada. God and Guru are not asking you to be perfect in one day. You have to live this lifestyle for your entire life. So, start where you are.

You say you are 19 and a full time student. Ask yourself, what can I reasonably do? Your Guru is there as your guide and helpmate. Your rehit and your relationship with the Guru is to serve you to open your intuition and inner wisdom and good sense. Just remember, God is the real doer of all that you do.

How much sleep do you need? Count back from when you want to arise to determine your bedtime. For example; if you need 7 hours of sleep and you want to arise at 4 am then you must go to sleep by 9 pm. Is this possible? Lets say that you cannot get to bed until 10:30 or 11 pm. Then you must be arising at 5:30 or 6 am. Does this give you enough time to do your Nitnem and also get ready to go to school and have breakfast?

Perhaps you will decide that you could get up in Amrit Vela at 4 am: take a cold shower and do Jap Ji Sahib and Ardas, if you could sleep again at 5 for another hour. That way you could get yourself up in Amrit Vela, get the rest you need and then,play the rest of your nitnem on a tape while you are getting up and ready or recite as you listen on your head set as you travel to school.

Remember to surrender to God and His will. Give up your expectation and and allow God and Guru to work for you.

If you can only do Jap Ji Sahib, than do it with all your focus and love and longing. Do it with your 3 trillion cells of your body and mind and soul. Understand it, love it and let the Guru work out your problems. God turns the earth and makes the sun rise each day without your help. As the Guru says in Jaj Ji Sahib, "the flamigo's migrate over hundreds of miles, leaving their young behind them". "Think oh man, who is it that feeds them and causes them to peck?"

Be strong in your surrender to the grace of this experience that God has given you. Then you will understand the strentgh of Khalsa. Start out by being kind to yourself and forgive yourself for this human experience that you are blessed with.