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Summary of Question:	Recovering From Sexual/Other Abuse?
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Wednesday, 8/29/2001 3:23 PM MDT

Sat Sri Akal Ji,

I'm a young woman, in college, nearing the end and i'm being faced with many decisions in my life. I realize that in a few years i will be getting married, as per my parents wishes, and i have no problem with that.
But my scenario is this...I've recently ended a relationship with a man i loved because of physical, mental, emotional abuse by him. We were serious with each other, our parents were aware of the relationship and okay with it. Well thats over and done with and i'm happy about that. But on top of that i was sexually abused and raped as a child. I've tried to get over that. Now my families have financial problems and other problems. Lets just say my life right now isnt very good. I've lost a tremendous amount of faith in Waheguru. I go to gurdwara and i resent everything there...i mean WHY would the creator of everything decide to make soooo many peoples life a living hell?? Wouldnt he want all his children happy....??? And how could someone who loves all his children decide to let little girls get raped by adults?? How could HE let women who only want to love and be loved be hit and beat up by someone who CLAIMS to love them?
I guess i may be selfish lately...but after over twenty odd years of worrying about everyone else other than myself, i feel that i have every right to question whether Waheguru exists.
Well...thats my question...
thank you
sat sri akal

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REPLY
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Dear One:
Sat Siri Akaal.

Guru Nanak in Japji tells us in pauris 17-19 about all the different kind of people God has created. It is not for us to ask God why, although I agree with you that I cannot understand such people, speaking personally.

Simply put, you must have had some karma that forced you to experience what you have experienced. I am not 'blaming' you! I am saying that it is what it is. What matters now is what you do with this from this moment forward. What matters now is if you let this karma govern your whole life or resolve it to move forward.

What you need now is to heal from the abuse of both the recent man and also from the childhood abuse (doctors say it is common for women who were abused as children to have abusive adult relationships). The point is, something in your subconcious needs to be healed. As a child we expect adults to take care of us. When they abuse us, our psyche registers that we are to expect adults to abuse us, even when we grow up. It is not a CONCIOUS thing, it is subconcious. I know a woman who went from a physically abusive marriage to a second marriage full of emotional abuse. She never really healed from being abused, and although it's a step up, perhaps, she is still abused in some form.

I highly recommend that you (1) seek some psychological therapy so that you can move this out of your psyche and not go through it again, and (2) practice the Naam for extended periods daily. This will really help clear out your subconcious, nevermind that your mind will have trouble focusing as you chant, just do it. Siri Guru tells us that the Naam is the medecine for all of our ills. Both therapies together will help you process and put behind you this abuse. Together they will give you an understanding of yourself and help you identify and project for a man in your life who treats you with respect and dignity.

Guru rakha,
-DKK