Previous

Next

Ask a Question

Summary of Question:	Infedility
Category:	General Sikhism
Date Posted:	Saturday, 2/22/2003 1:25 PM MST

I have been very distraught for the past 5 months or so pondering over something i was told. It's not a problem I am enduring personally or involved in but its something I am aware of regarding 3 people. Some time back a married family friend who i am quite close and grew up with as well disclosed shamelessly that he is having an explicit affair behind his wife's back. At first I really thought that it was a pathetic joke because he does have an innate bizzare sense of humor. But when he kept mentioning it every time we spoke or met I couldn't help but finally see through his sheer words. He makes it a point to share it with his "buddies". He is dead serious. I was stunned, baffled and sick to my stomach. Him and his wife are a great couple with an awesome future. The wife of this person in quetsion is beautiful, educated and a lovely person. to sum it up- she is a delight! being a man myself, i can't seem to understand why he needs another woman in his life to satisfy his needs when he has this exceptional woman. I have asked him this question on several times but I have never gotten a sound answer. There is no reason to have an affair when you are married. His is a great gal and every man's dream. What bothers me more is that he is open about the affair with some other people as well. He shows no remorse or fear of his secret being out. Instead says he is deeply enjoys it and will carry this on till he can.

Talking him out of this is beyond anyone's control and I have given that up. I have told him that his involvement with the other woman (who also happens to be married and has a young toddler) is wrong and unfair to his wife. If he is that unhappy , why does he not ask fOr a divorce? This was not a marriage that was forced on him. He chose to marry her without any pressure.
I am writing to ask for advice because since the community we live in is quite tight and since we also share the same circle, I can't confide in anyone and trust them. Even though i am a 100% sure that 4 other people are aware of this but won't say anything because they say its none of their business or basically are getting to see a free soap opera. Not only am i hurt but i also hate knowing this secret. It has been weighing me down and making me feel dirty as if I am some how also a culprit for knowing what is going on. I really didn't need to know this. This friend didn't confide in me to ask for help or guidance. His attidue shows he wanted to gloat about his expedition only. I feel he is taking adavantage of I being quite and understanding. He knows from the past that I have proven to be a good friend and he can trust me without a doubt. But lately, I find it hard to look his wife in the eye when I see her as if I have done soemthing wrong. She is quite gullible and has no idea whats going on. She adores him and would never think this was even possible.
He has put me in an extremely tough position. I have keept this within me for a long time. I have decided I know longer need to feel agonized over this. I am not getting anything out of this either way. I want to free myself from this and also feel that his wife needs to know. It's something too grand and serious to keep from her. I am married myself and know that if my spouse was cheating on me for so long and planned to keep it up- waheguru knows i would want to know. It's everyone's right. When some one decides to have an affair when they are married and that to to such a scale, he or she might as well end the marriage that they feel that are enslaved in. I have talked this out with my wife and she agrees that I should tell my firend's wife. We believe this has gone on long enough and the wife has been taken advantage of horribly. i plan to carry out what i have decided. But I have still written because I feel I need a last word on this from someone who is an out sider and has sound judgement. I am a frequent visiter to this site and admire the work and input they give.
i appreciate your input.
A preplexed Singh

(REPLY) Sat Nam. I agree, your "friend" is behaving shamelessly, his disrespect for his wife is sickening. I suggest that the next time you speak with him -- and I would make it a point to do so soon, you tell him that you are no longer going to keep his "secret" and that you plan to tell his wife. Tell him you are letting him know, so that if he wants to tell her first, he can do so, but you are no longer going to be a party to his adulterous relationship, and that you will wait 24 hours, and then you're going to tell her. Also, I would tell him that if he ever again boasts of his adulterous affair, you will walk away, and will not want to see him again. Then within 24 hours, go and see his wife in person, bring your wife along, and tell her what you have written above. She may not believe you, which is not unusual, but at least your conscience will be clear, and though the truth is painful, it is better than being deceived and in this case, being insulted by her husband's boasting and bragging. So sorry about this. May God bless you and Guru guide you to handle this with wisdom and compassion. SP