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Summary of Question:	Love Or Parents
Category:	Love & Marriage
Date Posted:	Sunday, 2/04/2001 7:38 PM MST

Hi, I really enjoying reading your website, particularly the sikh youth forum. I know you have probably received many question pertaining to what I'm about to ask, I would appreciate any help. You see I'm a 25 year old jat-sikh female, born and raised in Canada. I went to India last year and there I met a guy. We became fast friends and eventually fell in love with one another. My problem is, that his not of my caste, he is a Chamar. I told my parents my intentions to marry him, and they just hit the roof, basically my father said he would kill me if I married him or even tried. I know in our religion, in Sikhism, we are not supposed to believe in the caste system, part of our religion is founded on this belief, however, my parents suggest otherwise, they believe that the Gurus established the caste system, my parents said that everyone, including the Gurus believed in the caste system, I of course told them that they are wrong, but they refuse to listen to reason. On top of this, they are now forcing me to m

arry someone else, even though I have feelings for someone else. I can't imagine marrying anyone else, I have already accepted my boyfriend as my husband in my heart, so I know, I can't be faithful to another, when my heart belongs to my boyfriend. I have even agreed to compromise with my parents, I told them I won't marry my boyfriend, if they will not force my to marry anyone else, meaning I'm willing to spend my life alone, that is how much I love him, and I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness for my parents, since they are more concerned about society, meaning that can't stand it, what people will say if I marry a chamar, they don't really care for my happiness. But they are unwilling to even consider this option, basically they have said, that I can't marry my boyfriend, and I have to marry who they say. How do I deal with this, is it fair for my parents to ask me to make such a sacrifice, I have even tried killing myself twice, I really don't know what to do, this is my life and I should have the right

to choose who I want to marry. I have never disappointed my parents in anyway, I have always been reasonable and logical, I'm not the type to fall in love with someone every month or year, but I know in my heart that my boyfriend is the one (he has vowed to marry me or no one), but I think my parents are just asking too much, please help me!!!
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Reply
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Greetings and blessings to you in the Name of God and Guru.

This is such a pervasive problem among Sikh families. The Guru's have made it clear that there is no place for the caste system in Sikhee. There is no higher or lower in the eyes of God and Guru. We have been freed from this Hindu ritual.

Also, your parents must get your consent for marriage. They do not have a legal right to force you to marry. Sounds like they are angry that you "fell in love" and they were not involved in your choice.

I know it is very painful to stand up to your parents, however, you must choose to work this out with them. I think the best thing to do is give some time and distance to the subject of marriage. For now, back off from any arranged marriage or any love marriage. Is there any family member, brother aunt or uncle or Giani that will give you support like not dealing with this issue for at least 2-3 months?

Distance yourself from your emotions and you will do much better. "Meeting and separation is the will of God." Remember this, rely on this and allow God to work in your life and correct your situation. When you feel reactive and emotional, hold your breath for 20 seconds and slowly exhale through the nose. I would highly reccommend reciting the Shabd "Dhan Dhan Ram Das Gur jin siree-aa tinai savaaree-a........" 11x a day for the next 40 days. Apply yourself to the Infinite and let it work for you.

God bless you, SKKK